As of this moment, this is going to be a 'feels' type of post tonight. Initially, I had happier blog post ideas that I wanted to write about because there have been a couple of positive things that have happened this past week. But it's amazing how just one phone call can change your whole entire mood.
While I had plans on writing out and explaining the changes in my life that led to creating this blog, I guess I have to type out the spark notes version for one of them. Or at least for now, till I decide to elaborate more on it in a later post.
For about three and a half months, I was in vacation in the Philippines with my mom. On January 14th, if I remember correctly, it was time to fly back home to the states. But it was only me who flew back. Currently, my mom is staying in the Philippines until she is well enough to fly back. An unfortunate incident occurred that left her working on how to stand up and walk again; which explains why she wouldn't be able to get on a plane for 13 hours. So, for about three months, I have been adjusting to life without having the one constant person in my life. I don't know if I'm being a bad daughter for not trying to call her through Viber or lagging on replying back to her messages on facebook. Or this could be the way that I'm processing it, coping by not thinking about the fact that I'm all alone in the apartment. I can't give you a definite answer. Maybe it's both. But this is just a premise of what caused me to have my first 'feels' post.
I get a phone call from my uncle who updated me on what's been happening with my mom and grandma in the Philippines. Because of the lagging I've done when it comes to communicating with my mom, it seems like there have been a couple of things that she has left out. I discover that my grandma is having an issue with her eye that needs a surgery that looks to be pricey, but doesn't want to get it because of that fact that she has to spend more money. Then I'm told that the registered nurse that has been helping my mom has left and the caregiver that they hired is leaving as well. So there's only one person who is helping both my mom and grandma, but who knows how long she'll stay because I think she was asked as a favor. And here I am, hanging out with my friends and watching Netflix while this is all happening. I feel so helpless and horrible for enjoying myself when it seems like there are problems happening back in the Philippines. I just don't know what to do. I don't even know if there is anything I can do. I'm just sitting here, feeling the tears fall down my face because the one person who I love so much is going through so much right now and I'm not there. I'm not there to hug her or hold her hand. Giving the love that daughters have for their mother. I'm a thousand miles away and it doesn't even help with the whole fucking time difference too. And my mom doesn't even have a cellphone over there that's a smart phone. So there's no way I can even Viber her or face time with whatever app. I have to rely on using my other family members who are busy or not at the house at the time.
It feels like it's been a while since I've emotionally went through this again. Roughly four weeks of not being emotionally drained and just dealing with trivial things like getting ride of a cold was a nice change of pace. But I guess this was needed to remind me of what's happening. These are things that I have to be aware of. I honestly don't know what's going to happen. I can only hope that my mom will be able to find another registered nurse and caregiver to help her and my grandma out. I hope my Nana gets the surgery that she needs. I just want them to be ok. That's all I'm asking for. Please.
J
