Despite the fact that I planned for this personal blog to be filled with foodie adventures, lipstick reviews, and total randomness, it looks like so far it's just a venting blog. And the topic for today being, am I getting too comfortable?
With my last post, I talked about how unsure I was about accepting the job because maybe I'm going down the wrong path. It has been almost two months since I've been hired at my job. Actually, this upcoming Saturday will officially make it two months. You'd think I would be happy and be celebrating that another month as gone by being a working girl. But, it's quite the opposite really. I actually can't believe it has already been two months and I wish time was slowing down. Obviously, this train of thought didn't exist when I was celebrating my first month with Little Caesar's pizza and watching kpop. I was enjoying the fact that I was getting a paycheck every Friday, paying for my own gas, saving up money, finally got my first credit card, etc. But now, all that has changed after today.
I was reminded that with the job that I have, there is a quota that I must achieve. They told me on my first review that the only issue they had with me was the fact that I was slow. I was pretty much no where near the given quota each employee must have each day. Yes, I was nervous and panicking inside but my supervisor said that it isn't uncommon for new people to be slow. But. Once you've been around for three months, then not reaching your quota is unacceptable.
Without giving out too much, since I do want to keep the company/position anonymous, I'm supposed to do 43 cases a day. It is going to be two months this Saturday and I've only been able to do like, half the amount of that. Barely half that on some real bad days. Honestly speaking, I don't even know how all the people around me can even get to 43 cases. And it's one thing to be fast, but you have to be accurate enough to not get your case returned to you because you made a mistake. Then shit got real when I was walking to my car with a coworker who joined roughly the same time I did. She told me that our manager asked to speak with her in his office. He told her that she's too slow and needs to pick up her pace. She'll have her review in a month and is expected to be able to do 43 cases. And if she can't, well. My coworker made a 'good-bye' gesture, which pretty much indicates that she's going to be let go.
The moment she told me this, I felt like everything came crashing down and worry became to consume me. For pretty much the past month, I've been planning all these things. Stuff I want to save up for, future plans, being able to actually cover my friend if she wants a drink or something. And I literally just got my first ever credit card a couple days ago and activated it yesterday. Things were going okay. A concert that I've been waiting for months are having tickets sales this week and the groups that I'm into are going to be there. I was planning on spending $210 for this two day concert and thinking of spending a night in a hotel with my friends instead of going back and forth to LA. I've been acting as if I've already got this job and already telling myself that I'm planning on only staying in this company for possibly a year and a half. But wake up J and smell the coffee! You DON'T have this job. When they told you that the trial period was only for a week and they decided to keep you, it was a lie! The trial period is actually three months and if you can't do 43 cases once the three months hit, you are fucking fired.
So have I been too comfortable? Fuck yes. I can easily lose my job the next month if I don't meet the quota. Then what am I going to do? I'll have let my dad down because finally I'm getting an income and I don't have to get any money from him. Sure it's not that job that he wanted me to have, but at least I'm gaining experience. And right when he's sorta coming to terms with that, I could become jobless in a month. I don't even want to think about how I'll tell my mom this. In a way, I could have helped her with finances, even if it was just a little bit. Then there's my cousin, who I don't want to look bad because her cousin can't even do 43 fucking cases. And I'm sure it won't look good in a resume when you've only been at a job for three months because you're slow as fuck. No one is going to want to hire me with that written on there. Also, what reference could I put with being at a job for only three months? Especially from people who let me go?
I seriously want to cry right now. It felt like these past two months were too good to be true. This job was too good to be true. Getting a paycheck every Friday and being able to pay for things with my own money was too good to be true. Good things never really last when it comes to me. Or I just can't hold onto them coz I fuck up somehow. I just don't want to deal with the disappointment of not being able to keep my first job for three months. The feeling of being let go because you weren't good enough. The pity and trying hard words of encouragement from people once they know you were fired. Then the stress and tension of finding another job when I still have no fucking experience.
I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen. Why did I have to get a job that had to have a fucking quota? Why couldn't I get a position that just paid me hourly? Why? Because I'm fucking stupid and going to be jobless in a month if I can't work on my speed. Fuck.
