Unwanted Unsure-ness

I'm pretty sure unsure-ness isn't a word, but I'm going to roll with it. 

So, I recently got a job. My first job mind you, and it's not exactly where I thought I would be. I mean, it's not a bad first job...I think. Sure, it has absolutely nothing to do with the degree that I graduated in last May. but I felt like with my current situation and the fact that I have no experience whatsoever, I just felt like I needed a source of income. I don't love my job, nor do I hate it. I guess you could saw I'm content with it, knowing that I'm getting paid. Because I feel like I need to gain experience in a working environment and references that aren't my friends. I don't plan on staying there for too long, or at least two years max. But as of right now, I'm just glad that I got hired and currently getting a paycheck every Friday. It's already been close to a month and I'm already having less than positive thoughts. 

Now, you'd think that your parent would somehow be happy at the fact that their child is getting an income and doesn't have to ask you to pay for things. I'm not saying that my parent was 100% like this, but more like 60-70%. While my parent was glad to hear the news, it just didn't seem enough. I understand that my parent wants the best for me, and wants me to get a job in relation to what I graduated in, but can't you just be happy that I got a job? Frequently bringing up how I need to transfer to a different position and keep applying to places even though I just got hired doesn't seem like you're supporting me. Like, seriously? The notion that I made a mistake of taking this job and not trying to look for a job in my major is beginning to gnaw at my brain. I can't help but question my actions now. 

Should have I waited and kept looking? Have I taken multiple steps back by getting this job? Am I wasting my time? Am I going to amount to nothing? Will I live a less than mediocre life while everyone is on the right track but me? Have I ruined any promising future I could have had because I took this job?

I hate feeling like this. I hate that the answer to all of these questions is most likely a yes. I hate that my parent is probably correct. It just makes me feel like a loser, someone who accomplished nothing. I have no goals or a path I'm aiming for because I don't even know what I want to do for the rest of my life. Which is even worse if you think about it. A failure before I even get started. I just hate this feeling. 

What am I doing with my life...

J

As of this moment, this is going to be a 'feels' type of post tonight.  Initially, I had happier blog post ideas that I wanted to write about because there have been a couple of positive things that have happened this past week.  But it's amazing how just one phone call can change your whole entire mood. 

While I had plans on writing out and explaining the changes in my life that led to creating this blog, I guess I have to type out the spark notes version for one of them.  Or at least for now, till I decide to elaborate more on it in a later post.  

For about three and a half months, I was in vacation in the Philippines with my mom. On January 14th, if I remember correctly, it was time to fly back home to the states. But it was only me who flew back.  Currently, my mom is staying in the Philippines until she is well enough to fly back.  An unfortunate incident occurred that left her working on how to stand up and walk again; which explains why she wouldn't be able to get on a plane for 13 hours.  So, for about three months, I have been adjusting to life without having the one constant person in my life.  I don't know if I'm being a bad daughter for not trying to call her through Viber or lagging on replying back to her messages on facebook.  Or this could be the way that I'm processing it, coping by not thinking about the fact that I'm all alone in the apartment.  I can't give you a definite answer.  Maybe it's both.  But this is just a premise of what caused me to have my first 'feels' post. 

I get a phone call from my uncle who updated me on what's been happening with my mom and grandma in the Philippines.  Because of the lagging I've done when it comes to communicating with my mom, it seems like there have been a couple of things that she has left out.  I discover that my grandma is having an issue with her eye that needs a surgery that looks to be pricey, but doesn't want to get it because of that fact that she has to spend more money.  Then I'm told that the registered nurse that has been helping my mom has left and the caregiver that they hired is leaving as well.  So there's only one person who is helping both my mom and grandma, but who knows how long she'll stay because I think she was asked as a favor.  And here I am, hanging out with my friends and watching Netflix while this is all happening.  I feel so helpless and horrible for enjoying myself when it seems like there are problems happening back in the Philippines.  I just don't know what to do.  I don't even know if there is anything I can do. I'm just sitting here, feeling the tears fall down my face because the one person who I love so much is going through so much right now and I'm not there.  I'm not there to hug her or hold her hand.  Giving the love that daughters have for their mother.  I'm a thousand miles away and it doesn't even help with the whole fucking time difference too.  And my mom doesn't even have a cellphone over there that's a smart phone.  So there's no way I can even Viber her or face time with whatever app.  I have to rely on using my other family members who are busy or not at the house at the time. 

It feels like it's been a while since I've emotionally went through this again.  Roughly four weeks of not being emotionally drained and just dealing with trivial things like getting ride of a cold was a nice change of pace.  But I guess this was needed to remind me of what's happening.  These are things that I have to be aware of.  I honestly don't know what's going to happen.  I can only hope that my mom will be able to find another registered nurse and caregiver to help her and my grandma out.  I hope my Nana gets the surgery that she needs.  I just want them to be ok.  That's all I'm asking for.  Please.  

J

Obligatory First Post

After days of pondering on what to title my blog, this happened to be the end result. Sounds a bit flat, doesn't it? Yea, I agree. But it's the only thing that I came up with so far that didn't seem too lame or too inspirational for the stuff I'll be blogging about. And I feel like this three word statement pretty much embodies my reasoning again. Eh, why not? (let's see how long it'll last...)

It's been four years since my last blog and I've decided to start once again. A lot of things have happened in my life these past months, and while I think I've handled them pretty decently, I feel like I need something a bit more. Then I remembered how much I enjoyed blogging and thought, "Why not try a personal blog?" So here I am. A new blog is born with a mediocre title that may or may not be permanent. 

Ultimately, this blog is for me.  While I may have cared about followers, page visits, comments, and all those things in my last blog, it's different this time around. I wanted to find a positive outlet and a possible new hobby with this blog. There is no specific theme that I plan on following with my posts. One day I might want to talk about a new eating place I discovered with my friends, or how much I hate getting the flu. I'm going to post what I feel like writing because this is a personal blog. About me and for me. So, if people happen to find this blog and enjoy it, awesome. Or if they find it and think my posts are lame or crude, whatever. Let me be me and be on your way. I want to strive for fun and happy times while I'm on here. 

AND....I think this is a good place to end the first post. Lol! The first post always feels like an awkward introduction that you have to get through before you can relax. Or maybe that's just the introvert part of me that feels that way. Any who, I'm excited to get this blog going and writing about my life with each keyboard stroke. 

I hope to post in ya soon blog. 

Till next time!

J